I Was Thinking
by LittleLizzieZentara
Summary: 'I can't stop wanting you. Needing you. Loving you. And it's really starting to piss me off.' What if instead of Castle overhearing Kate in '47 Seconds' Kate had overheard Castle talking to Martha and had come to a similar conclusion? Potential spoilers for all episodes. (Real chapter this time. :) 3-15-15 )
1. Chapter 1

**What if, instead of Castle overhearing Kate in '47 Seconds' and coming to the conclusion that she didn't really love him, Kate overheard Castle talking with Martha and interpreted his words to mean that he had lied when he told her he loved her?**

**Yep, I love turning an episode on its head. **

**As I try to do, I was going to wait until I had this story finished before posting. But about a week ago I realized that I didn't have enough money to ship Natalie Elizabeth's package (from the US to Australia) until the day AFTER Christmas, and I couldn't have NOTHING for her to read/watch/open/whatever on Christmas morning. I am going to try my best to have the rest of this story written and posted ASAP. The four-day weekend coming up should help…..**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle. But since they have both said 'ILY' and variations at least 25 times (my friend Eva counted them for me recently) AND they're married, my Caskett shipper heart is quite content.**

Castle had lied.

Kate had, too. But she had lied to give herself time to heal, to be ready for the type of relationship she wanted. A relationship without walls, without one foot outside the door.

A relationship with Castle.

A relationship that Kate had found out less than a minute ago that Castle had never really wanted….

_Five minutes ago_

Kate was tired of waiting. She knew Castle had said that 'it' could wait until after the case. But she didn't want to wait anymore. He wasn't the only one who had been thinking about the victims of the bombing. About the opportunities they would never have.

Why this one case was affecting her so much, she didn't know. Kate was a homicide detective. She dealt with death on a daily basis. Hundreds of cases, hundreds of victims.

Yet _this _case had made her face a truth she had been denying for far too long. One day, whether it was hours or decades away, she was going to die. Castle was going to die. There was no escaping it.

She didn't want to waste one more minute. She needed to tell Castle how she felt about him.

And she needed to do it now.

Her time on the elevator before it reached Castle's floor seemed endless. It made her wish she had taken the stairs. With the adrenaline coursing through her, she probably wouldn't even be winded when she made it to his door.

Muffled voices reached her right before the soft ding of the elevator. Once the doors opened, she was pretty sure she could make out Castle's voice. And was that….? Yes, it was definitely Martha.

Kate hesitated for a brief moment. Maybe she should come back. If they were arguing she would feel incredibly awkward interrupting and Castle wouldn't be in the right frame of mind to listen to what she had to say, anyway.

Or they might just be having an ordinary conversation.

Enough excuses. She was _not _going to chicken out this time.

Kate raised her fist to knock when Castle's voice reached her, his words as clear as if he were standing right by her side.

"What was I supposed to do? She was lying there on the ground. No one knew if she was going to make it. I had to give her something to hold on to."

_What?_

Her hand froze while the rest of her body started to softly tremble. Kate barely had time to process the words before Martha replied. "Better to have said nothing than to have lied."

_Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate._

The words floated through her mind. Words that had given her such hope now mocked her.

_Kate, stay with me, Kate. Don't leave me, please. Stay with me, okay?_

Those words had been sincere, she was sure of it. It couldn't have all been a lie.

Would he have really done it? Castle was observant, especially when it came to her. It wasn't outside the realm of possibility that he had figured out how she felt about him.

But would he really have said he loved her just to give her something to hold on to?

Kate's mind made quick work of gathering the evidence.

Castle didn't know she had planned to stop by and see him; he didn't expect to see her until the next morning.

When he had tried to get her to stop looking into her mom's case, telling her to think about all of those who loved her, he had mentioned her dad. He had even had the nerve to mention Josh. Right before accusing her of hiding in relationships with men she didn't love. So he _knew_. He knew that Josh didn't mean as much to her as Castle himself did.

Yet when she had called him on it, practically demanding that he admit it by saying, 'What about you, Rick?' he had called himself her 'partner.' Her 'friend.'

No mention at all of love.

And it wasn't the first time. She had asked him once why he kept coming back and he'd made a joke about being a plucky side-kick. He'd upgraded that to partner when she pointed out that the plucky side-kick always gets killed.

She could convince herself it was out of respect for her relationship with Josh that kept him from repeating the words, except she'd broken up with the man before leaving for her father's cabin. Castle had known about the break-up from the afternoon she'd shown up at his book signing, over seven months ago.

Why, in all that time, had he not told her again how he felt, if he really did love her?

Her assumption had been that he had understood what she'd meant when she said she couldn't have the type of relationship she wanted until her walls had come down. She thought he'd been waiting.

But what if that wasn't it?

What if he just didn't-

She needed to get out of there.

Now.

She couldn't risk seeing him.

The way she felt right now, she might actually shoot him.

If she'd had her gun with her.

Probably a good thing that she didn't.

Kate was almost back to the elevators when the doors opened. The sight of his daughter caused her to stop mid-step.

Did she know?

Kate had always liked little Castle. The young woman's level of maturity had impressed Kate from the very beginning. And the closeness the redhead shared with Castle had been one of the first things to break through Kate's carefully constructed walls.

What must she think of her now?

"Hi, Detective Beckett," Alexis greeted her with her usual friendly manner.

Kate couldn't ignore the girl, although she was tempted. She wished Alexis had waited long enough for Kate to clear the building before returning home. Alexis might mention seeing her to Castle and Martha. Castle would easily put two and two together and realize that his secret was out.

"Hi, Alexis," Kate said, knowing she'd taken a beat too long to reply. "I was going to see if your dad wanted to go catch a movie at the Angelica but I just got a call from the precinct."

Would Alexis realize that Kate would never normally explain herself to such an extent?

She hoped not.

"Oh, so Dad's-"

"No!" Kate realized her reply had been a bit too abrupt when Alexis's brows lowered in confusion. "I mean, it's paperwork. Something that needs to be corrected right away. So, I, um, I have to go."

Not wanting to give Alexis time to question her further, Kate stepped into the elevator.

Once the doors had closed, Kate let herself slip to the floor, allowing the tears she'd been fighting back for the last few minutes to finally fill her eyes.

Emotional meltdown first.

Then, starting tomorrow, she'd have to start working on a plan.

A plan to get Castle out of her life.

Permanently.


	2. Chapter 2

**It may sound strange, but I want to thank the people who left reviews that complained about different elements of this story. Because I like to know what people are thinking about my stories, positive or negative. And because there was some that I 100% agreed with. Not that I'm not happy with this story, but I totally understand the frustration/irritation/whatever with the way Kate reacted to the conversation she overhead. But 1) this story wouldn't have worked if she had just confronted him about it, 2) until season 5 confronting each other about emotional issues is not something either Castle or Beckett did very much and 3) her reaction is intentionally, at least in part, a parallel to Castle's reaction in the actual episode.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned the show Kate would have never lied about remembering Castle's 'ILY' and Castle would never have received that phone call from Smith. Or at least it would have been a different kind of conversation where Castle didn't end up keeping vital information regarding Johanna Beckett's case a secret from Kate for almost a year. And just FYI, because I can't see Kate reacting any differently to that bit of news and I don't like writing about those kinds of fights between them, that phone call didn't happen. We'll just say he steered her away because they were at a dead end with the case, anyway. **

* * *

Kate glared at the coffee that mocked her. Taking up space on her desk like it had a right to be there. Like HE had a right to be there. Sitting in 'his' chair, grinning, joking with the boys as if nothing had happened.

She wanted to throw the cup at him. The liquid was still hot, the plastic container still filled to the brim. The smell of it turned her stomach.

Going home sick was an option. It wouldn't be a lie. She _was _sick, but leaving in the middle of a case was something she wouldn't do. Couldn't do. Not even with her heart shattered into millions of pieces. Even though it seemed to take as much effort to breathe as it had when she'd been shot.

"Hey Beckett, everything okay?" The look of concern on Castle's face made her want to smack him.

Wow, Kate had forgotten how violent her thoughts and impulses could get when she was angry. Good thing she had great impulse control.

Most of the time.

But she better not push it.

Or rather, HE better not push it.

Which meant that it was time for phase one of 'Make Castle Leave The Precinct.'

So she wasn't good with names. Titles. Whatever.

SHE wasn't the writer. And no one else knew about it. So what did it matter that the name sucked?

"I'm fine, Castle," Kate lied, keeping her tone soft, calm.

But she didn't look at him. That would be asking too much of her self-control to look into those twinkling, heart-stoppingly sexy, LYING eyes.  
"Kate-"

She shot to her feet when Castle put his hand on her arm.

He did NOT get to touch her.

The feeling of his fingers, his palm, on her bare skin caused the shattered pieces of her heart to throb in agony.

"Castle, just-" Kate was hardly able to resist the urge to swear at him, to yell at him, to scream at him to get the hell away from her, "Drop it, okay? I have a case to solve and I don't have time for this."

She was doing a terrible job of hiding her emotion. At this point she wasn't even trying. She was letting her anger have free reign. She needed to stop, to put on her calm façade that hid so much. But this time, she couldn't.

It was too late, anyway. Any chance of making Castle think nothing was wrong was long gone.

Castle's look was penetrating, like he thought he could glean the information if he just looked deeply enough into her eyes. She could feel it, see it out of the corner of her eye.

A look might be enough. Much of their communication over the last year hadn't required words at all. He knew her.

He knew her, and he thought she was weak.

What if he was right?

Kate shook her head, ignoring Castle's questioning frown.

She _wasn't _weak. She would never have achieved all she had in her career if she had been. Criminals made mincemeat out of the weak. And a criminal had yet to get the best of her. Not even a sniper's bullet had been able to take her out.

The fact that Castle had a lot to do with that wasn't something she wanted to dwell on.

_Castle _wasn't what she wanted, needed, to dwell on. She had a case to solve.

Kate would allow him to stick around for the rest of this case. It would raise too many questions if she kicked him out now.

_Fair warning, Detective. I will make you change your mind._

Castle's words from long ago gave her pause. The man had just done the _one _thing she had told him not to-well, the one thing that mattered, anyway; he had often gone against her explicit instructions while working a case, especially back then-and, shortly after they had solved the case, he had 'weaseled his way back in.' Her words this time. Castle hadn't tried to use his charm or his political connections then. He hadn't even been trying to get her to change her mind at that point. He had just acknowledged what he had done and how it had affected her. A sincere apology from a man who up to that point had seemed like little more than a nine year old on a sugar rush.

Kate wasn't sure if she would go so far as to say his lying about his feelings for her was worse than digging into her mother's case. But then she had just been angry. She was angry now, but that was merely a cover for a pain that she wasn't sure Castle, with his all of his writing ability, would be able to put into words.

"Just what?" Castle asked after a pause that had gotten so long that Ryan and Esposito weren't even trying to pretend that they weren't watching the train wreck that this conversation was turning into.

"Detective Beckett!" Gates sharp call from the captain's office allowed Kate to walk away with only a, "Just nothing, Castle. Not a damn thing."


	3. Chapter 3

**Well, I'm back! FINALLY! THIS is why I try to wait until I finish a story before posting. This was GOING to be the last chapter but it's getting late and I don't want to rush through it. And this chapter IS close to being as long as the other two chapters combined, so that's something, right? **** I'll have the (probably) last chapter up as soon as I possibly can, although no promises when that will be.**

**Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own it. That's okay; I wouldn't do all that well with writing the case parts of the episodes, anyway. Which is why my stories have very little about actual cases in them.**

* * *

Two days passed before Castle questioned her again. A break in the case made it easy for her to ignore both his question and his concern. She wasn't so lucky when he came into the precinct the day after the bombing case had been solved.

Kate had been sitting at her desk for almost an hour, attempting to do paperwork. Her mind was too occupied with Castle for her to accomplish much. She had told herself that she would let Castle stay until the case was solved. Well, it was solved. There was no reason for Castle to stay.

Except….

No, it was something she had to do. She may not be as weak as Castle seemed to think, but she wasn't strong enough to handle seeing him day after day, acting as if everything was back to normal when the truth was everything had changed.

This would have been easier to do if she was still angry. But as soon as the case was solved, as soon as she realized this was it, that after today she may never see him again, her anger drained away in a rush. Which meant that all she had was the pain. An insidious pain that slithered through her veins, wrapped around her heart and squeezed her lungs with every breath she took.

She missed him. Already. And he wasn't even gone yet.

How much worse was it going to be once he left?

Kate saw the coffee cup before she saw him. Partly because she took a moment to brace herself before she raised her gaze. Her hands didn't reach for the familiar Styrofoam, though. Just the thought of drinking the hot and bitter liquid that had just a hint of sweetness from the vanilla caused a lump of tears to rise in her throat.

"Hey," she greeted him after a long moment, once felt she had herself somewhat under control, her voice softer than she would have liked.

"Hey," Castle replied, briefly touching her shoulder before he moved over to his chair and sat.

Kate couldn't stop the slight flinch at the contact. She knew it was too much to hope that Castle hadn't noticed. Or, if he had, that he would just ignore it.

"Beckett, what's going on?"

"Castle-" She wasn't ready yet. She thought she would have more time. It was still a couple hours before Castle would have normally come in. If he'd come in at all, since he knew that she would be busy wrapping up the paperwork for the case.

"You can tell me anything, you know that, right?"

Kate didn't know if she could do this. He would be crushed. Helping her on cases had been more than fun and games for him for a long time. Maybe even since almost the beginning. He wasn't just doing research for his books; it gave him a sense of purpose, of making a real difference, both to her team and to those who had lost their loved ones in one of the most horrible ways possible.

As soon as the guilty party had been led away in handcuffs the day before, Kate had contemplated going to the Captain. Iron Gates would have no difficulty in throwing him out of her precinct. But even as mad as she had still been, she knew Castle deserved more than that. Kate may hate what he had done, but in his own misguided way, he _had _been trying to help her.

Maybe she should tell him she needed some time, that she would call him in a few-

Or, maybe not. Things hadn't worked out so well the last time she'd tried that.

Kate stood. Ready or not, she had to do _something_, tell him _something_.

But not here, in the middle of the bullpen, where anyone could overhear.

She quickly considered and discarded her options.

Her apartment was too far away; same for his loft. And anyway, Alexis and Martha might be there.

Remy's was close by, but she didn't want her last memory of the burger joint-since she certainly wouldn't be going back there-to be when she pushed Castle out of her life.

The park was fairly close, but that had been where she had told him she wanted a relationship with him, even if the confession had been buried under layers of subtext.

"Break room it is." The words had been spoken so quietly Kate wasn't entirely sure Castle heard her, but he followed her anyway, as she knew he would. As he always did.

Always.

She would never hear that word again without it being echoed in her mind, spoken in Castle's voice. Those two syllables had been ruined for her forever. Years from now Kate knew that hearing that word would cause, at the very least, a faint, echoing pain of what she'd lost.

The thought of the years ahead without Castle caused a flash of agony to ripple through her.

If only Castle hadn't-

No. She wouldn't let herself do that. Looking back on her life and wondering, 'If only' wasn't an option. Castle's feelings were what they were. If he didn't love her now, letting him hang around another year, another _ten _years, wasn't going to change anything.

Castle held the door open when they arrived at the break room and with a soft, 'Thanks,' Kate stepped inside. It wasn't until that moment that doing this here meant that every time she went into the break room, the memories of this would haunt her.

Kate felt something warm against her fingers and realized that Castle was trying to hand her coffee to her.

The last coffee.

Kate didn't realize she was squeezing the cup so tightly until the soft pop of the lid reached her ears and a few hot drops of the dark liquid scalded her hand.

Castle quickly took the coffee back, setting it on the nearby counter.

His hands gripped her shoulders, not enough to hurt-other than the increased emotional agony-but firmly enough that she wouldn't be able to put more distance between them.

"Castle-" Kate hated that there was a slight note of pleading in her tone.

"Whatever it is, you know I'll give you whatever help you need," Castle said. "Doctors, lawyers, actors-"

Actors?

What exactly was Castle thinking?

He kept going. "Money, a hideout, an alibi-"

Was he going to promise to break her out of jail next?

"Clowns, a whole circus! I know a guy. Or if you need-"

Now he was being ridiculous. Trying to make her laugh?

His humor wasn't going to make anything easier. Not this time.

"Castle, stop. I don't know why you'd think I'd need a _circus_ but whatever you're thinking, you're wrong, okay? There's nothing you can do, except-"

"Except what, Kate?"

"Go home, Castle. Just...go home."

Castle frowned. "For how long?"

Kate wasn't surprised at the question. He obviously was starting to realize this was more serious than he'd first thought, which was why his defense mechanism of humor had kicked in. He just didn't know _how _serious the problem was.

"The bombing….it has to be your last case, Castle."

The shock, quickly followed by confusion, fanned a faint spark of anger that Kate didn't realize until now was still smoldering inside her.

"What? _Why_? What did I do?"

What did he do? What did he _do_?

"You lied, Castle. I know you think you were helping. But you weren't. If you hadn't said it, I could figure this out. I could accept it. But you lied. For almost a year, you led me to think-" Kate shook her head. "I can't do this anymore."

"Do _what_? Kate, you aren't making any sense!"

" 'Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate." She spat the words at him.

The color drained from his face as he stared, gaping at her. Then his eyes narrowed, his jaw tightened. "You remember? For how long?"

"That doesn't matter, Castle. The fact is-"

"How LONG, Kate?"

Oh, no. He had no right to get angry. He was the one who lied.

Well yeah, she lied, too. But she only lied about remembering. He lied about-

"I wasn't sure if I was something you actually said or something my brain came up with until you showed up at the hospital. But-"

"A _year_? You lied to me for almost a year? And you think you can just-"

"_Don't _act like the injured party here, Castle. Don't you dare. I had just been shot, lost my Captain, and was pumped up with enough drugs to knock out a horse. I couldn't handle it. And now-"

"Now, what, Beckett?"

Kate had read the phrase 'dangerously soft voice' but this was the first time she'd heard it. At least from Castle.

It was too much. What did he have to be so angry about? So she lied about remembering his lie. Was it some injured pride thing, his poor wounded male ego?

"Now, because of your _lie_," the anger felt like a whirling tornado inside of her now, "I can't stop wanting you, needing you, loving you. And it's really starting to piss me off!"

Castle was completely silent for a full five seconds before he stuttered out, 'You….But….What?"

Kate was saved from having to respond by a knock at the door. If it had been anyone else, she would have told them to come back in ten minutes. But Alexis and Martha were another matter entirely.

"Darling, are you ready to-" Martha said to Castle as she swept into the room once Kate had opened the door. She looked from Castle to Kate and back again. "I'm sorry, are we interrupting?"

"No, of course not," Kate assured Martha, ignoring Castle's pointed look.

"Actually, Mother-"

"Castle, no." Kate hoped her voice didn't sound as sharp as she feared it did. "Martha, I'm sorry. Is there something I can do for you? If Castle needs to go, it's not a problem. I'm only doing paperwork, anyway."

"Beckett-"

"Dad, didn't you ask her?" Alexis broke in.

Ask her what?

"I didn't get a chance to, Pumpkin."

"But why didn't you ask her when you guys were helping Gram with her lines?"

Castle hadn't mentioned Martha was in a new play, but that didn't overly surprise Kate. He usually waited until close to the opening night. She didn't know he helped Martha practice her lines, but she should have, even without him saying anything. That's just the kind of son he was. Even if at times that help was given under protest, which she suspected it probably was.

But why would Alexis think Kate had been involved?

"What are you talking about, Kiddo?" Martha asked what Kate was thinking.

"When I came home from the library on Wednesday, Detective Beckett was just leaving. She said she'd come over to invite dad to a movie at the Angelica but she had to go and correct some paperwork. And Dad said he'd been helping you with your lines for over a half hour and asked me to take over." She turned her attention to Kate. "Or did you get the call before you got a chance to talk to Dad?"

Kate didn't know what to say.

Castle had been helping Martha rehearse lines? They hadn't been talking about her at all?

No, it wasn't possible. What they said was too specific to what had happened when she had been shot. They may have been rehearsing lines but at some point before Kate had gotten off the elevator they must have started talking about her, instead.

"You were there?" Castle asked. "Why didn't you-"

Kate could only watch as Castle's baffled expression gave way to one of horrified shock. "You heard us, didn't you?"

"I-" Kate tried but the words lodged in her throat, so she merely nodded.

"Kate," he grabbed her hands, "you thought we were talking about you, didn't you?"

Kate opened her mouth again, willing words to tumble out of her lips. Words that didn't, wouldn't come.

"That's why you thought I lied."

"Kiddo, what are you talking about? Why would she think it was about her? It's a soap opera, for heaven's sake! When have THEY ever mirrored real life?"

"She overheard us rehearsing that last scene, Mother. The one where you confront your 'husband' about lying to Angela. She's lying on the ground and Joe doesn't know if she'll make it after that car accident. And he tells her-"

Angela? Joe?

Martha mentioned a soap opera….

"Are you talking about Temptation Lane?" For the moment, Kate was distracted by thoughts of Martha's character returning to the show. "Angela Cannon and Joseph Fox? And he _marries-_"

"Now look what you've done, Richard!" Martha exclaimed, throwing up her hands in exasperation. "What have I told you about not giving people spoilers?"

Kate had been far too busy to indulge in Temptation Lane episodes. She hadn't seen one in over a month. Although for a soap opera that didn't necessarily mean a whole lot had changed. But there had obviously been some big changes on the show in recent weeks, and more on the way.

"It's okay, Martha, really," Kate assured the woman. She had much more serious concerns than what was going on with her favorite show. If Castle had been helping Martha go over her lines when she, Kate, had stopped by the loft that meant that he _hadn't_ lied.

And he knew she had.

**Just FYI-I haven't watched a soap opera in years. Since the mid-1990s, actually. So I'm basing the workings of a soap opera off of what they were like about 20 years ago. Things may have changed since then. Or maybe not.**


	4. Chapter 4

**I debated waiting until tomorrow when the new episode airs to post this, but I figured I'd made you wait long enough. **

**Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own it.**

* * *

Guilt was not an emotion Kate Beckett felt very often. But as the memories of the way she had acted towards Castle since she'd overheard 'the lie' flashed through her mind, she felt nearly sick with it. And that was the least of all of the emotions swirling through her. Dread. Fear. Anger, directed this time at herself. But there was also hope.

Hope that, once again, Castle would forgive her. That her irrational jumping to conclusions hadn't ruined everything.

Kate turned her head away, unable to look him in the eye any longer. If he was still angry as he had been when he'd first heard about _her _lie, she didn't want to see it. Not when her emotions were so raw. Compartmentalizing might be second nature to Kate, but even she had her limits.

Kate tried to turn her attention to Martha, but the confused concern on the older woman's face made her feel even worse. Alexis's accusing gaze didn't help, either.

Both of them had probably heard enough to know that Kate and Castle were arguing, but with the door closed they wouldn't have been able to make out the actual words. That only happened when they were yelling, and they hadn't been to that point.

Yet.

Suddenly Kate realized Castle still held her hands in his.

That had to be a good sign, right?

"Darling, clearly you and Detective Beckett need to talk," Martha said after a silence that Kate knew had gone on far too long. "Alexis and I will just-"

"Oh no, Martha, you don't have to-" Kate protested automatically. Intruding on Castles family time was something that Kate instinctively avoided.

"Of course we do, dear," Martha said. "Come along, Alexis. After all, we don't want me to be late to my first rehearsal, now do we?"

Alexis, showing the maturity that Castle often raved about, didn't protest.

"I'm sorry, Castle," Kate said a few moments later, still looking towards the doorway, watching the two redheads make their way across the bullpen, "I didn't mean for-"

"You really thought I lied," Castle cut her off, slowly releasing her hands as he said the words. "You thought I lied, and instead of asking about it, you were just going to have me kicked out of the precinct."

"What was I supposed to do, Castle?" Kate wanted to know. "It's not like we talk about-"

Kate abruptly halted her flow of words.

What was she _doing_?

She hated to admit it, but he was right. This one was all on her. Taking blame was not something that came naturally to Kate, but she knew that was part of the reason her other relationships hadn't worked out. The months she had been physically healing from her shooting and the many more months she'd been healing from her psychological wounds had given Kate plenty of time for reflection. Shifting undeserved blame onto the other person was one of many mistakes she realized she had made. One of the many mistakes that she had vowed not to make with Castle.

"I'm sorry, Castle," Kate finally looked at him again, her gaze begging for understanding. "I couldn't. I just…couldn't. I didn't think there was a reason to. Everything you said pointed to my shooting. Everything. It was the only logical explanation."

Castle shook his head. "There is _nothing _logical about it. How you could think I would lie about something like that? That was one conversation after _years _of evidence. Even if I hadn't said it, it's been obvious for years."

He was right. Again.

Kate _really _hated being wrong.

But-

"What about you, Castle?" Kate asked. "I saw how you reacted when I admitted….things." _Why _was it so difficult to put her feelings into words? "I've been telling you, without telling you, for years, Castle. 'One writer girl.' What do you think that meant, Castle? I told you 'always.' Did you think I didn't mean it? Or that I didn't know what it meant to use that word with you? What if you found out I lied about remembering? _Without _my telling you…." She _still _couldn't say it. "What conclusion would the evidence lead you to then?"

Annnnnd…..she was doing it again.

Arguing with him when all she really wanted was to make up for lost time, to show him, as well as tell him, how much he meant to her.

Which, if things had gone according to her initial plan, she would never have gotten the chance to do.

It suddenly struck her how close she actually came to forcing him out of the precinct.

Out of her _life_.

"Castle," she choked out, sudden panic guiding her actions, pushing her to reach out for him. "I'm sorry," she whispered, so close to him now that his features were slightly unfocused. Her hands gripped his shoulders, their foreheads slightly touching. "I don't know how to _do _this."

"Do what, Kate?" Castle asked, frustration replaced by concern.

Kate took a shuddering breath. "I don't let people in," Kate said. "Let you in. You've had to claw and scratch for every inch. I don't want to be like that anymore. I want-" She closed her eyes for a brief moment before letting the words free, "I just want you. I want to want you, to need you, to love you. And to let you want me, need me, and love me."

Castle's smile, that joy that shone from his eyes and spread across his lips, showed Kate better than any words he could have spoken that she was, indeed, forgiven. More than that, she was wanted. Needed. Loved.

"We'll figure it out, Kate," he assured her. "We'll find our way."

When his lips covered hers, Kate couldn't hold back little start of surprise. It had been over 18 months since their lips had last met. Kate had imagined what it would be like to kiss him again, especially once Josh was out of the picture. But imaging and doing were two entirely different things. So many sensations flooded her that her mind couldn't keep track of them all. So she didn't even try. One moment she noticed the softness of his lips, the next the strength in his shoulders. Then it was the way his arm curled around her waist, pulling her closer. His soft groan filling her ears.

And the knocking.

Wait, knocking?

Castle must have noticed a second or two before she did, because he was pulling away from her before she had completely realized what was happening. Before her brain had fully taken in the situation she was following him, leaning towards him, not ready to give up the sensation of their lips finally connecting after so long.

"Um, guys," Ryan said, a delighted smirk on his lips that neither the writer nor female detective noticed, "not that we're not happy for you, but unless you want Gates to see you, you might want to-"

The name of her Captain jarred Kate out of her kiss-induced haze. She blinked, shook her head to clear it, and stepped back away from Castle. Until there was about a foot between them.

Kate would have rolled her eyes at herself if the need to stay close to Castle wasn't so strong. She'd come way too close to losing him. Due to her own misguided actions, true, but it didn't change the fact that she was still slightly shaken by it all. Having him close gave her a reassurance that steadied her nerves and made it easier to focus on other things.

Particularly how they were going to hide their new relationship from her boss.

Something must have shown in her expression because Ryan and Esposito quickly flanked her and Castle, standing only slightly further away from them than she and Castle did from each other.

"Is there a problem, Detectives?" Gates asked when she reached the break-room doorway almost two minutes later, having just returned from a lunch date with her husband. Kate belatedly remembered her mentioning it before the Captain had left barely more than an hour ago.

"No, hm mm," Kate said, unable to think of anything more brilliant to say.

"Hmmmm," the Captain's narrowed eyes told Kate she wasn't very convincing. "Remember the D.A. wants that paperwork turned in by four o'clock today."

"Yes, Sir," Kate said.

"Almost finished, Sir," Esposito said at the same time.

"Just about done, Captain," Ryan chimed in.

"All right, then. Carry on," Captain Gates said and headed over to her office, closing the door firmly behind her.

Kate bit her lip to hold back a smile as she exchanged a look with Castle. There had been no innuendo in the Captain's comments, but after the kiss they had just shared, she knew his thoughts were identical to hers.

They would most definitely carry on, picking up where they left off.

At her place or, since Martha and Alexis were gone for the next few hours, at the loft.

Kate may not know how to be in a relationship like the one she wanted with Castle, but she couldn't wait to find out.

* * *

**S****o, I'm not sure who the Captain turns the paperwork in to. But since Kate talks so much about building a case for the D.A., I'm just going to assume it's him. Or her.**


	5. Chapter 5

**When 4:00pm came and went today and I hadn't started on this, I really began to wonder if yet another week would go by before I got this chapter done. (Since I'm a weekend writer) But I also seem to be an evening writer, so here you go.**

**Disclaimer: I wish. Actually, I would be satisfied with being able to meet MilMar. I know everyone wishes they could meet Nathan Fillion and Stana Katic (and that would be cool, too) but I'd rather meet the creators. I have SOOOOOOO many questions. Not the least of which is, 'So, are we going to get a season 8?' **

* * *

Paperwork.

Castle didn't usually stay for paperwork.

Kate knew she could ask him to stay. He would, if she asked him to.

Especially now.

But they were trying to act normal at the precinct. And Kate asking Castle to stay while she did paperwork was _anything_ but normal.

_You can do this, Kate_. _You hunt murderers for a living. You can handle being away from Castle for an hour or two. You can watch him walk to the elevators and…._

The sick feeling that twisted her gut showed her that last one was asking too much of herself at the moment.

So she wouldn't watch him leave.

That would definitely be acting normal.

If she could manage it.

Kate could hardly recognize herself. She hadn't been this bad with Will. Certainly not with Josh or Demming. Not even with Royce, the only other man she could ever say she actually _loved_, even though their relationship had never veered toward the romantic.

"So I guess I'll-" Castle started.

"No!" The word was out before she could stop herself. At least she hadn't raised her voice or anything. It was all Kate could do to not roll her eyes at _herself_. She didn't want him to go, but this was getting ridiculous.

The startled look in Castle's eyes made her cheeks burn with mortification. What must he think of her? He'd fallen in love with badass Detective Beckett and she was acting like….

Kate. She was acting like Kate.

Something she had rarely done inside the precinct walls.

She needed to get that paperwork done and get out of there. Pull herself together and then make plans with Castle.

An image of her wearing a wedding dress, walking down the isle of the church where Ryan and Jenny had had their wedding, Castle waiting for her with a beaming smile on his face, flashed through her mind.

Plans for the _evening_.

The excitement the image had brought and the disappointment the reminder that her heart was trying to jump way ahead of her head made her frown.

"So you don't want coffee?"

"Wh-what?" Castle's words made no sense. Why would he think she wouldn't want coffee? With his insight into all things Beckett, he probably realized she was too jittery for caffeine of any kind. But she never turned down coffee. Especially Castle's coffee.

Well, except for that one time she really didn't want to think about right now….

"I was going to get us some coffee," Castle glanced over at the espresso machine on the counter behind them, "and then wait until you were ready to go. But if you want me to leave-"

"No!" Kate couldn't resist the impulse to grab his hand. "Yes. Coffee sounds," Kate took a moment to remind herself to not be sappy, not here, in the break room, where anyone could walk in, 'great. Thanks. I'll just…." Kate gestured towards her desk, "um, get to work. So we can leave." She gave a brief, decisive nod. "Yeah."

Castle's eyes twinkled in that barely suppressed amusement that Kate knew so well.

"What?" When his only reply was a wide smile, she scowled. "Castle, what?"

"You might want to-" Castle lifted his hand that was held securely in hers, "I'm not saying I mind, but people might notice if we start holding hands in the precinct."

"Oh!" Kate quickly dropped his hand. She opened her mouth to apologize but when she couldn't figure out what to say she snapped it shut again and headed for her desk.

She _really _didn't know how to do this.

* * *

The half hour it took to finish the paperwork seemed as long as a regular eight to ten hour workday. The subtle ways Castle shifted that made his arm brush hers both helped and made things much, _much _worse. It helped remind Kate that he was there and he wasn't going anywhere. But it also reminded her how much she _wanted _him. She hadn't meant merely in the physical sense when she mentioned 'wanting him' earlier. But now?

In all of the scenarios she'd ever imagined, Kate had never thought she would have to wait between telling Castle she wanted him and actually, well, _having_ him.

Kate could feel Castle's gaze following her as she made her way to Captain Gates' office. Again, it helped but made things worse. She hoped she made intelligent replies to Gates' brief comments, but she couldn't really be sure.

Castle already had her coat in his hands when she reached his side. His hands on her shoulders as he helped her into her jacket made Kate tense up. Mainly so that she didn't give into the need to lean back against him.

Kate couldn't even bring herself to give Ryan and Esposito stern looks at the gleeful grins they both wore. Although if they tried to 'feed the birds' with Castle she would give them her most threatening Detective Beckett glare and then she would singe Castle's ears with her irritation and embarrassment.

After.

Definitely after.

She had her priorities, after all.

Castle started to reach for her when the elevator doors closed but her quick, 'Cameras!' caused him to do a pretty sorry attempt at acting like he was just straightening her coat collar.

Kate hated to do it but when he put his hand on her knee as she started her car, she moved his hand back to his own lap. Although she couldn't resist the light squeeze to his knee before she moved her hand back to the steering wheel. When she saw the baffled and slightly hurt look on his face, she knew she had to explain. "Castle, look. It's not that I don't….I need to drive and I just can't….I want to but…." Kate groaned and ran a hand through her hair. "We need to get out of here." After giving him a look that revealed all of the pent up longing she was feeling, a look that caused his own eyes to darken, Kate put the car in gear and made her way to her apartment.

* * *

_Her _elevators didn't have cameras. She had bemoaned the lack of security before, but now she couldn't be more grateful for it. The doors had barely closed before she was on him, a leg lifted around his waist, her mouth fused with his. Her hands busily worked on the buttons on his shirt, a moan escaping when her fingers touched the warm skin of his chest at the same time that his lips brushed her throat.

"Castle," she gasped. "_More_."

His hands got busy then while his lips explored every inch of her throat.

They weren't going to make it to the bed.

Maybe the couch….?

* * *

The blinding sunlight woke her Kate didn't know how many hours later. She had the day off, so she didn't care what time it was. Castle had made a brief call to Alexis after round one, assuring the teen that everything was fine and he would see her sometime the next day. Any worries she might have had about Alexis's thoughts on the situation-she really should have encouraged him to go home to his daughter but she couldn't bring herself to do it-scattered from her brain when Castle pushed her up against the nearest wall, his lips working over hers in the most carnal kiss she had ever had. Which was saying something, considering all that they had just done.

Three times she had made love with Castle. She bit her lip to stifle a giggle at his shock at the bold way she had started 'round three.' It was too daring for her to try with anyone else, something she hadn't done since her freshman year at Stanford, but with Castle it just felt right to let her wild side free. The giggle escaped as she remembered Castle's enthusiastic response once he'd gotten over his surprise.

Kate stretched, careful to not accidently hit Castle, who last she remembered had pulled her to him, an arm around her waist while his other hand cradled her head against his chest.

But there was nothing for her hand to hit other than her mattress. With a start, Kate looked over to where Castle had been and then whipped her head to other side.

No Castle.

Kate sat up, taking a sweeping glance at her room.

Again, no Castle.

Reminding herself to not jump to conclusions, Kate threw back the covers and got out of bed. She grabbed a white button down shirt that was hanging in her closet and threw it on, not bothering with a bra. After all, she didn't plan to be wearing it for long.

Her feet were soundless as she walked out to the living room. A quick peek in the kitchen showed her that Castle wasn't there, either.

Reminding herself that it was Castle, not some random guy she had hooked up with, and that the worries that were trying to take control were groundless, Kate headed to the bathroom. If he was taking a shower, it would be easy enough for her to join him.

Except that when she stood next to the bathroom door, she didn't hear the shower running. Or the sink.

"Castle?" Kate cringed at the hesitant tone of her voice.

She was being _ridiculous._ This was _Castle_. He wouldn't….

Would he?

It had happened with Sophia, his muse for Clara Strike from the Derek Storm novels.

Except he had never loved Sophia. And the woman ended up being a criminal who tried to betray her country in the worst possible way.

Kate knew Castle loved her.

But-

What if he didn't like it?

What if she was too aggressive?

Or too needy?

Or too….too….well, her?

What if Castle had formed a version of her in his head that hadn't stood up to reality?

And he preferred his version?

Except he _loved _her.

He knew her. Better than anyone. Even better than she knew herself sometimes.

Then where _was _he?

No. There had to be a reasonable explanation.

There _had _to be.

"Kate?"

Kate closed her eyes as the relief flooded through her.

Kate took a moment to bring herself under control. She heard her front door shut before he called her name again.

"Hey," the tender note in Castle's tone made Kate respond with a shy smile. He lifted up the white paper bag in his hand. "I went and got us breakfast."

Kate couldn't get her vocal cords to work.

He was _here_. It was the morning after, he loved her and he was _here_.

She wanted to throw herself into his arms. Except that seemed a bit too needy.

Although she did say she wanted to allow herself to need him….

Or was that too much, too soon?

"We can go out and get something else," Castle said, his tone a bit hesitant now. "Or…."

Kate shook her head. She meant to tell him whatever he had gotten was perfect but what came out of her mouth was, "This is real, right? I'm not dreaming. I'm not going to wake up and-"

She abruptly stopped her flow of words as it hit her what she was saying.

She was sounding like an idiot.

"Never mind," Kate said. "Forget I said any of that. So…" she peered over at the bag, "is there a bear claw in there?"

Castle set down the bag on her coffee table, setting the drink tray with the two travel cups of coffee that he had been carrying in his other hand next to it.

He walked over to her with measured steps, his gaze locked on hers. He brushed his lips lightly over hers before pulling her against him, wrapping her in his arms. "You aren't dreaming, Kate. I wondered the same thing when I first woke up. But this is real. You just gave me the best night of my life since Alexis was born. And I told Alexis I wouldn't see her until tonight so we can do whatever you want. Unless you're on call?"

Kate pulled back from his arms and shook her head, shyly biting her lip.

"We could read," Castle said, his eyes teasing. "I know you have some great books by this amazing author…."

Kate grinned. "Or we could watch TV. Martha's first episode back on Temptation Lane should be airing this morning."

"Or we could…."

Their mouths were too busy to speak the words but they both had the same thought:

Best. Idea. Ever.

* * *

**There will be one more chapter (or it will be an epilogue, I haven't decided yet). As with the rest of the chapters, no promises on when it will be done, but I'll try for as soon as I can. And yes, they will talk about things. (Although in this story, as with most of my '47 Seconds' inspired fics, Castle will not have gotten that phone call from Smith. I just don't like dealing with Kate's 'rabbit hole' issues with her mother's case, so I avoid them when I can. And since this is fan fiction, I can.)**


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